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Nonviolent Communication

2017-08-19 by Yvette Lalonde

Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is one of the most useful skills I have ever learned. The creator, Marshall B. Rosenberg, has used NVC in war-torn areas as a way to find peaceful resolutions. This is a testament as to how it can help us improve communication in our personal and professional lives.
NVC is about building connection, understanding, and respect; it is a life-serving communication tool. It requires us to engage in self-exploration by figuring out what our needs are.

Needs

Knowing our needs is one of the most profound abilities we can learn and is applicable to more than just this communication style. Knowing our needs provides us with a grounded sense of self-awareness, it helps us set appropriate boundaries, and is the foundation from which we make requests from others. NVC requires us to ask the people in our lives to meet our needs so that we begin to feel content and supported.

The Process

There are 4 steps to nonviolent communication for both the giver and the receiver.

Honestly giving without blame or criticism
1. Observation: The concrete action I am observing, remembering, or imagining that is or is not contributing to my well-being
2. Feelings: How I am feeling in relation to the action
3. Needs: The need, desire, wish, value, or thoughts creating my feelings
4. Action: The concrete action I would like taken

Empathically receiving without hearing blame or criticism
1. Observation: The concrete action that you are observing, remembering, or imagining that is or is not contributing to your well-being
2. Feelings: How you are feeling in relation to my action
3. Needs: The need, desire, wish, value, or thoughts creating your feelings
4. Action: The concrete action you would like taken

The giver is asked to honestly look at what they are feeling, needing, and why they are making their request. Requests are a personal preference which is different from a demand – demands come with consequences or expectations. The giver has to be willing to negotiate their request.

The receiver is asked to listen with empathy, without hearing blame or criticism and then to repeat what they heard from the giver, confirming or clarifying until both are on the same page.

Here are two PDF files to support you in enhancing your NVC skills. The first will help you expand your vocabulary with Feeling Language and the second is a Needs Inventory to support you in defining your needs.

**To learn more I highly recommend the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg or this online training course.

Filed Under: Communication, Relationships Tagged With: boundaries, communication, nvc, relationship

Communication – Attachment Styles

2017-07-10 by Yvette Lalonde

In the three previous parts of this series we explored embodied listening, gaining clarity, and how to re-establish our sense of self during periods of heightened stress. In this final part we will explore attachment theory.

Knowing your attachment style can help explain why you require reassurance from your partner or why you are more reserved in relationships, why you feel hyper-sensitive to your partner or why you are confused by them.  It also offers insights into why partners repeat the same unsuccessful communication patterns.

Attachment Theory

There are many factors that account for how attachment styles are formed: relationship with parents, temperament, social support, biopsychosocial stressors, and genetics. The first 18 months of our lives conditions our working models that define how we act in relationships.  This means that our guidelines for relating to others are largely unconscious.

It is important to note that attachment styles are not fixed, but they do tend to be consistent.  The more we experience secure attachment with others the more we move towards secure attachment patterns ourselves.

Attachment systems are biological processes that are connected to social interactions. Our actions are attempts to regulate our attachment system, usually through greater intimacy or separation. Karlen Lyons-Ruth, a developmental psychologist, equates the attachment system to a psychological immune system.

Secure Attachment

Secure types are responsive to the needs of their partners and demonstrate empathic qualities. They are comfortable with intimacy and have a steady attachment system – emotional responses are appropriate to situations. They employ connecting behaviour and strategies – thoughts, feelings, and actions that honour both their own needs and the needs of their partners.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant types are dismissive of their partners’ thoughts and actions. They tend to be self-focused and are less skilled at reading their partners’ needs. When it comes to intimacy they fluctuate between hot and cold. Avoidants create distance from their partners to deactivate their attachment systems.   These strategies include avoiding mental, emotional, and physical closeness. They also include a tendency to focus on their partners’ imperfections while ignoring their positive qualities. Avoidant type has a pattern of getting involved with people who are ‘unavailable’ and they tend to idolize past partners.

Anxious (ambivalent) Attachment

Anxious types are preoccupied with their relationships and their partners’ thoughts and actions. They are more focused on their partner and are less skilled at recognizing their own needs. An anxious type craves intimacy to try and regulate their amped up attachment system. They employ activating strategies – extreme attempts to re-establish a secure base – usually acted out while distressed. These strategies are marked by protest behaviours such as withdrawing, hostility, and keeping score.

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized types are said to be the least common. They include both anxious and avoidant qualities. Disorganized attachment is characterized by role confusion where the object of affection is simultaneously feared and desired.  Patterns of extreme stress and abuse in childhood by primary caregivers inform this attachment style. To learn more about disorganized attachment please use the many resources specific to this type or reach out to me personally.

Attachment Styles in relationships

It is very common for anxious –avoidant types to enter into relationships with each other. It is rare that anxious-anxious and avoidant-avoidant types enter into relationships with each other.

Anxious Communication

Due to all-or-nothing thinking and catastrophizing, anxious types prolong asking for what they need – assuming that their needs will not be met – until they explode. If they are with a secure partner the damage may be repaired and needs will be met. If they are with an avoidant partner they are likely to get the opposite of what they need because the avoidant requires distance to regulate.

Anxious types are less likely to communicate their needs directly.  They should stop hinting; stop assuming; be direct; ask for what they need; and make inferences based on reality, not from the narratives in their heads. This can only be done if they communicate directly. There is nothing inherently wrong about requiring affection and reassurance from a partner. If one’s needs have been communicated in a responsible manner and their partner refuses to meet those needs, this is a clear sign that the relationship is in trouble.

Avoidant Communication

Due to a need for separation and a tendency towards all or nothing thinking and mind reading – assuming their partner has malicious intent – avoidant types tend to pull away from the relationship. If they are with a secure partner there is less chance of a reaction occurring or the secure partner will address the issue directly. An anxious partner will try to initiate closeness resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy of your partner wanting too much from you.

Avoidant types are less likely to take into account the needs of their partners. If one has a strong desire to push a partner away or flee then they should communicate their need for space to their partner, and try to find a way that both people get what they require. Timelines and reassurances work wonders if partners are anxious, they will be more likely to offer the space required.

Tips for communicating

Stay on topic. Don’t generalize the conversation. Pick one discussion and stay on point.

Don’t confuse your needs with your partner’s. You are two different people and as such will require different kinds of support.  Be willing to express your needs and listen wholeheartedly to your partner’s.

Be aware of how activated you are and take the necessary steps to maintain a regulated nervous system.

Above all, please do not assume that your attachment style is wrong. There is no right or wrong. There is simply awareness of what it takes for your attachment system to regulate. Asking for the support you need and receiving it allows you to move from insecure attachment to a more secure style of attachment. If your needs are continually denied or ignored this tells you a lot about the future of your relationship.

Filed Under: Communication, Relationships, Trauma Tagged With: attachment, communication, neuroscience, relationships, trauma

Communication – Soothe before Logic

2017-05-10 by Yvette Lalonde

In part one we looked at a foundational aspect of communication – embodied listening.

In part two we explored how vital clarity is to keeping yourself and your conversations on track.

In part three we will be diving into some physiological reasons why staying present and why the ability to express oneself can be a challenge when stress levels increase.

The Brain

An effective and simplistic way to understand the brain is Daniel Siegel’s widely known hand model of the brain.

  • The reptilian brain – The wrist (spinal cord) and palm (brain stem) regulate basic bodily functions such as breathing, heart rate, and survival instinct. This survival instinct is responsible for the fight-flight-freeze response.
  • The mammalian brain – The thumb (limbic area) together with the wrist and palm process emotion, sensation, motivation, memory encoding, and attachment in relationships.
  • The cerebral cortex – The fingers (cerebral cortex) are responsible for such things as consciousness and cognition. The ring and middle finger (medial pre-frontal cortex) aid us in awareness and attention. All together our fingers are responsible for executive functioning. As well, they help regulate our nervous system, calm fear, and attune to others through empathy and compassion.

Our brain on heightened emotion

Painful experiences, referring to the hand model, are stored in the thumb. These memories become generalized so that we are not required to repeat the same lessons over and over again; this a conditioned response based in survival and self-protection.

If something in our internal or external environment is suggestive of a painful memory the fingers go offline; this only takes a quarter of a second to occur. As Daniel Siegel says we “flip our lid”.  This means our ability to attune to another person is diminished and reasoning is stalled. Adrenaline levels surge and the sympathetic nervous system amps up, creating a fight-flight-freeze state. If you recall some previous experiences I am sure you have some familiarity with this response; a sudden sense of overwhelm and the inability to stay focused on what your partner is saying.

“Our state of mind can turn even neutral comments into fighting words, distorting what we hear to fit what we fear.” ~ Daniel Siegel

Soothing

When in a state of sympathetic arousal, finding ways to soothe oneself is necessary before trying to continue a conversation. Soothing can begin by connecting with your partner(s), saying their name(s), or a gentle touch (if that feels right), followed by identifying the precise emotion/sensations that you are experiencing. When we identify emotion accurately, calming neurotransmitters (chemical messengers) are released in the brain.

Another way to do this is to name the impulse you are having. “I am aware that right now I want to run away from this conversation. I need some time to reconnect with myself before we continue.” Or “It is getting hard for me to focus, I am having trouble listening. I need (define an amount of time) to ground myself before we carry on.”

If you notice your partner having trouble focusing you can pause and check in with them; say their name and identify the physical response you are seeing. This is about stating what you are witnessing, not about how you are interpreting it. For example, “(Name), I am noticing that you are looking around the room a lot. Are you able to hear me right now?”

Fine tuning attunement

The priority for everyone in the conversation is to reduce pain and remain present. It is important to understand that there is a difference between how support, abandonment, and accountability show up in conversation. Support is the ability to witness your own distinct experience while remaining receptive to your partners unique experience.  Abandonment  is when you deny your own needs or sense of self to try and resolve the problem. It is normal for there to be discomfort when practicing new ways of communicating.  Accountability is acknowledging when you have acted in an unwise manner that has contributed to your partners distress.

This is not about caretaking, blaming, or fixing the discomfort, rather it is an opportunity to bring the anxiety into light. Simply speaking about it can lessen the power it holds in that moment. Asking for what you need to keep the conversation moving forward will help you as a couple come closer together.

Tools for re-establishing sense of Self

I recommend that each person prepare a list of effective soothing practices that support self-regulation. This list might include such things as: breathing techniques, looking around the room at your favourite item and describing it, pressing into a wall, moving your body in a conscious and intentional manner.

I can’t stress enough the importance of finding functional and supportive ways to self-soothe. Developing this tool box will help you in many aspects of your life.

Being regulated allows us to continue conversations without confusing our past with our present. It takes practice to become aware of when we are disconnecting and becoming reactive. The practice is to reflect inward with compassion and be honest about what we are experiencing and what we require. We can also support our partners’ process by gently reflecting back to them what we are seeing.

Navigating this process together we develop the skills that help us trust ourselves and our partners with our pain. When it comes down to it, we all really want to know that our partners will be there for us, meaning that they will hear us, see us, and receive us as best as they can.

Filed Under: Communication, Mindfulness, Relationships, Stress, Trauma Tagged With: communication, interpersonal, neuroscience, relationship, trauma

Communication – Clarity

2017-04-06 by Yvette Lalonde

Clear Communication

In part one we explored the importance of listening. This aspect of communicating involves a little more personal work to unearth the subtext of what you are trying to say. It asks for an open-hearted curiosity about what you are hearing and it requests that you attend to your feelings, thoughts, and experiences during conversations.

Clarity in Speech

When we are able to get really clear about what we are saying our words are received differently. This is because energetically we are explicit in our intentions, passion, and purpose. We are speaking from our Truth and requesting our partner(s) meet us and hear our Truth.

This requires spending time alone and digging deep into the things that are coming up for us. Creating space to explore what is really going on underneath the initial reactions. Framed in a personal perspective you gain understanding as to why this is an issue for you. Not for or about them but for you.

Grab a piece of paper and start journaling.

  • How does this impact me?
  • How do I image it will impact me in the future?
  • What need to I have that is not getting met?
  • What do I really want for my partner(s) and for myself?
  • Any other thoughts that arise

Some nuanced examples;

  • “Sometimes it feels like we have nothing in common anymore” could really be “I miss connecting with you and want to spend more quality time together.”
  • “Why don’t you eat better and work out more” could really be “I want to know that you are caring for yourself so that we can grow old together in a healthy way.”

Speak in the present tense. Speak for yourself. Speak in concrete ways.  It is your responsibility to say exactly what you mean and not expect your partner to read in-between the lines.

Clarity in Hearing

Good listening involves confirming your interpretation. Don’t assume that you know what you partner means. Inquire. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no response. Be curious. Get clear in your understanding.

For example;

  • “What I’m hearing is… Is that correct?”
  • “I am confused and really want to make sure I understand. Can I clarify something?”

You will notice listening involves sharing what you are hearing rather than just stating ‘I don’t understand’ or ‘that doesn’t make sense’. The goal is to keep engagement high and be committed to communicating with integrity.

2 Essential Components of Clarity

1. See your partner as a unique individual. Hold space for them as someone with different thoughts, feelings, and desires than you.

2. Stay with your own experience. Recognize that you will have your own unique thoughts, feelings, and desires. Work to self-soothe as your own reactions comes up.

Clarity of topic

It is easy and oh so tempting to switch topics! Isn’t it? However, this creates confusion and can jeopardize the communication process. Commit to the issue at hand. Give each other permission to gently bring awareness to when you feel like the conversation has veered off.

Ensuring you are both discussing the same topic will help alleviate misunderstandings and keep your conversation constructive. Check in as many times as needed to keep the focus.

You are in this together.

Filed Under: Communication, Relationships Tagged With: communication, interpersonal, relationship

Communication – Listening

2017-03-15 by Yvette Lalonde

In an interview Mother Theresa was asked “when you pray, what you are saying?” Her response was “I am listening.” The interviewer then asked “What is God saying?” Mother Theresa responded “God is listening.”

This highlights very clearly that listening is by far the most important aspect of communicating. Not hearing what someone is saying halts all possibility for authentic mutually beneficial conversation and a deeper connection.

Whole-Heart Listening

Meeting someone heart to heart requires presence, curiosity, and receptivity. Listening from a heart-centered place.  What this means is listening to the whole person, not just their words. Watch their body posture, subtle facial expressions, and hear the tones in their voice. Feel for their emotional experience. Observe and witness without taking it on.

Listen to Yourself

Be aware of your body as they speak. How do you feel? What sensations are occurring? You do not need to dissect the information just simply notice how you are responding.

When we listen from our whole being (heart involved) there is no space for judgment or comparison.

There is no trying to win or make your point heard. If you are trying to get a point across, you are not listening.  If you are waiting to speak, you are not listening. Practice the art of compassionate listening.

The Big Picture

True listening involves non-judgement; accepting that the words they speak is their truth.  You are not them; you cannot tell someone their truth is not their truth, just as they cannot deny your truth. Used wisely this as a bridge to understanding diminishing further separation.

Listening to someone without interrupting doesn’t mean you are in agreement or compliant. It means that you are opening up and being curious about their point of view. It shows that you are willing to see them as a separate individual with unique opinions, feelings, and experiences. Asking inquisitive open-ended questions is a wonderful way to entice deeper conversation and clarity.

Curiosity creates Connection.

Filed Under: Body Wisdom, Communication, Relationships

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